So I don’t eat or drink anything after midnight … I got home from Grape St. and watch Slapshot 2 until about 4AM … Wake up and get ready to go … No deodorant for the manogram … Get to the hospital at 8:10AM … I register and get a cool new bracelet with my name and birthday on it … It was free!
Go to the radiology department and first up is the ultrasound of my right side … I got a student in the bargain as well … a young girl with long blonde hair … She is present for the ultrasound … I have to pull up my shirt and they pour the jelly on me and begin sailing around my tummy with the thingamajig … After some deep breaths and holding them, I turn on my side … the same thing … Then the woman that did the ultrasound asked if I would mind having the student check it out for a while … Hey, a threesome! So I was into it … She had me doing deep breaths in no time … Done test 1.
Next up was the CT scan with contrast … I go over to that department and I’m asked questions and off I go … They prick your arm and get a tube going in so they can shoot the dye in for the Catscan … That was a bit painful … I could feel that needle swinging around in there until she taped it down … She did a little test and off I went … The thingamajigs start spinning around and then you get all warm all over … I shut my eyes … A little woozy for whatever reason, off I go back to the other side for the manogram … Done test 2.
Sit and watch Regis until they take me to the manogram room … Off with the shirt I point to where I feel the lump and she marks it with a piece of tape that has like a tiny ball bearing on it … They scan both boobies when they do this test … and they smoosh them up pretty good … I’m sure no matter what size your boobies are, they’re gonna get them in this machine … Squish my right, “don’t breathe”, take it from the side, “don’t breathe” … Then the same for the left … I sit and wait while she goes off to see if they’re okay … (I guess to see if I breathed) … She comes back and says they don’t see anything on the test but I ought to get a ultrasound of the lump … great, I was just there … and they can take me in about 30 minutes … Done test 3.
Over to the other side of radiology where they take you in the big table rooms … Xray of my lumbar spine is up next … A cute little girl calls my name and I’m off into a private room with her … After she assesses my sweatpants that there’s no metal in them, we can proceed … Lay on the table on my back, and we shoot a couple “hold your breath” … lay a little cocked to my left with a pillow or something under me … same for the right … Then have to lay on my left side and get my back perfectly straight … Then off she goes to make sure they’re okay while I wait there on the table … I hear people talking … I hear someone yell “You’re going to die!” Not the thing you’d like to hear in a hospital, but it was followed with something like, ‘You’re going to die … How could you tell such and such that about me’ … She comes back and has to redo the straight one on my left side … She positions me as she pleases … “Hold your breath” … Wait again … I can hear her talking to someone about the length of her hair … She comes back, okay! Done test 4.
Back over to the ultrasound people … We watch Tony Danza talking to Mrs. Brady herself, Florence Henderson … David? … I turn around and there’s this girl that looks at me like she knows me … It’s the blonde student from earlier, but she put her hair in a pony tail … This time I go behind a curtain to get “unchanged” … Put on a hospital gown backwards, with the opening to the front … More goo … The student does all the testing this time followed by the teacher … Was in there a while as they played with my boob lump … Had to stay there again while they asked the people that requested the test if they wanted anything else … Nope, I wiped off the goo and got “unchanged” again … Done test 5.
I decided to go full tilt with my first meal of the day and took a ride over to Applebee’s … I think it was 11:15AM when my wife and I went in there … I told her about the tests and the things I had heard in there … The different things they made me do, etc … The student and the teacher said the most things, and it sounded to me like they didn’t see anything, but who knows? They thought there was nothing out of the ordinary the first ultrasound, and then the one of lumpy was just muscle tissue … But again, I think doctors review the pictures that they take and decide from there … So those were the tests … We’ll wait and see what the results say …